The Incredible Mangoes

escapades of the queer birdie & doggie

8:01 PM


Posted by spectrum |


read follow ask INTERACT

Posted by spectrum |

simple things are happening over the surface of a complex situation

a woman asks another woman on the street for a cigarette and is given one.

a beautiful girl asks a beautiful girl out for a drink and is refused.

a bottle cap is jammed onto the mouth of an untouched beer that was opened absentmindedly, and put back into the fridge.

i wander into a duane reade on my break from work having no idea why im there and find myself purchasing an apple.

the level of resignation and melancolia is so high that it evokes a true absence of body weight, and the energy of the earth just moves us here and there.

a lullaby is being sung, and then criticized by a lesser adult.

the lady behind the counter asks if i want her to put the apple
in a small plastic bag.

a very generous man is in his room working hard to pay rent. he stands tall but diagonal, with all his weight on one foot. head tilted to the side like a parrot

- birdie

2:29 AM

gotta go

Posted by spectrum |

august 15 2011

i've been writing small paragraphs and sentences off and on. these are some of them.


i am standing at the edge of ny.. the hudson is in front of me and in the distance i can see a skyline.. im wondering if that's nj? i'm having that usual thought - you are so close to me in terms of proximity.. you are close to me so often because i try to go where you go.. and yet i'm still just standing on the edge of some street, path, river, lake, something wondering why you won't see me.. our virtual interactions are more substantial than most of our in person encounters because we are alone and solely communicating but sometimes i just want to be looking at you while talking to you

regardless of what you say i go on with this idea that it's all about to change but it must be true that while i feel like your (platonic) lover you probably feel close to nothing for me.


semi fresh memory - rumi and haze.. a small space with expanding floors.. right before a walk or right after a walk we are resting in here. peace of mind + sadness + this feeling of ...


you are tired and you are falling. he is writing 9 columns and a hundred rows of numbers next to you. red pen on graph paper - that image is taking me some years back and a few months forward. why are you tired? its only 3 pm and we are running between things right now. what code is he trying to crack and why are you wearing those purple house shoes? i'm asking way too many questions because you are passed out. your hair looks nice though


i often wonder if i've given anything back to you. i have taken so much from
you, learnt so much from you and in the process of getting to know you i
have transformed. at times i think that maybe i'm too dependent on you for
inspiration, for feelings, for knowledge - necessary stuff. and it scares me
so much to realize that this is a temporary situation. i keep thinking of
this time as some kind of transitional phase with a meeting point somewhere
in the end, and i'm not sure if that's something i actually believe or what
i want to believe.

- doggie

5:50 AM

are you sippin on that pinkass haterade?

Posted by spectrum |

5/24/11 12:55 am

we fight so hard, so hard...
but all the words just seem to form... love letters!

what a beautiful night to csin and reunite
aaj tum yaad, bey hisaab aaey

- b

10:47 PM

the orange tree

Posted by spectrum |

it's these odd warm winter nights here or there that just get me.

this image continues to blow my mind.

- birdie

3:28 AM

this week's sunday magazine

Posted by spectrum |

3:19 AM

out of the blue

Posted by spectrum |

october 16, 2010

we talked about detachment. how it can be so easy and so difficult, based on the situation.

but there never really is a point when we are fully disconnected from another. there is always some curiosity remaining. i can run around looking here and there with my ears covered and a filter on my brain, but it's common sense that that is not the solution.

lets be logical.. and practical.. and rational. lets think about things and analyze them and drive ourselves crazy. wonder 'what if..' this and that. i refuse to pay attention because of all the baggage attention brings with it.

i said i was sorry. even though she should say 'sorry you are not my priority.' but my apology made her happy. and that is the point. the point is to do all those things that would make her happy. and this is where we run into the problem of conflicting priorities.

i cannot acknowledge her existence, or her loss. its all very artificial for now

- doggie

6:50 PM

Dark Days

Posted by spectrum |

a whiskey, a wintery city. i miss your laughter and your perfume.

- birdie

7:10 AM

delicate inclinations

Posted by spectrum |

sept 16th 2010. 3 am

i am drenched from head to toe coming home (catching thunderstorms) on your damn birthday.

it has been 11 years since we understood love for the first time in-our-lives.
i cant believe you are still screening my calls.

you are and have always been the masterful goddess of elements. your presence moved them then, and they still move now. how i am soaked, and how magnificent today's thunderstorm was. i fasted unknowingly and now dedicate it to these years on years that have gone by so fluidly.

funny how today was full of all the other women in my life in my mind under my skin i think it had to do with the fast. irritated horny calm quiet angry beautiful flirtatious neutral so many colors fading in and out of my being.

there is so much to write about so this post will and is already a mess.

i just cant believe you still wont hear from me, even on your birthday. in this game of invisible devotion i dont know which one of us is ahead of the other. i will never stop trying to say hello. and you can not handle what might happen when you hear my voice.

happy birthday Jane.


Mistress Type A:

oh my god when sexy-as-fuck women play games it is so much fun. Madame X is sharp and witty and sassy and lots of things real or imaginary circumstantial whatever i dont care. she is like Purple Haze once said... you chutiya you love things that you cant have. how hard ive tried to shake this bad bad inclination but flirting with good flirts is harmless and just way too much fun.
baby i could never keep you happy. i would never be your partner. yes no maybe or if somehow we should just fuck and get it over with. kia scene. Madame X is toying with my delicate inclinations and i am barely under control.


Lolita :

dont fucking go there. dont attempt to seduce me, i am still trying to handle my heart. it is not acceptable. dont give me those looks and take off your shirt and turn your back to me and then unhook your bra and disappear into sheets that we are supposed to share. dont ask me in the morning why i slept on the couch. bhenchod yaar na kero. dont wear my jacket and find things in the pockets dont fall in love because you are sexy beautiful sweeeeet heart no dont fall for the handsome smile it is either a trick or a treat and you must have neither.


Rani is making me fall into a strange detached sort of... deep odd wonderful magical love. above and beyond all kinds of nonsense. but full on kind of nonsense at the same time. her mystical presence is stronger (if not equal to) that which reminds me of Jane.

more later when a bit sober.

- b

6:58 AM

Optimistic Scrutiny

Posted by spectrum |

(My friend, the sufi is the friend of the present moment. To say tomorrow is not our way - Rumi)

Are you dangerous. Am I dangerous? I think that I have found a listener again. That is the most bare understanding I have of this.

You say you were broken and attracted broken people but now you aren't and so you don't. I think this is not entirely true.

It's fine. I like being surprised by you, and surprising myself as this fondness of you takes different shapes.

You are so many of the elements I've loved in my arms in my head I am always smiling and lightly staring at you when these thoughts entertain me.

Yesterday I wrote on the train, which i hardly ever do:

Your company is so beautiful.
Your company is so beautiful.

You are a wintery sunlight cool wind perfect fall weather that takes me home and takes you home with me which is just incredible. How many times will we talk without any words, it does not cease to amaze me.

You are soft earth wet green grass purple black blue sky shadowed tree outlines.
You are earth alive around you aground you.

Intense heavy sexy safe steady.
I love your non-guiding, sweetly suggestive shepherding steps.

You are meditation breaths venus star bright perfume lit jane far away sounds prayers and breaking bread with bitter greens.

You are my pupils adjusting and my warrior awakening and all my other senses heightening, walking calmly or even standing still in pitch black complete darkness - following a real path to a solid destination.

You are my brown muscled lion my graceful tall tree you are incredible. you shift time and distance to your means.

what i write about her today or yesterday or tomorrow will all continue to blend into one giant mass i think. Rani is beautiful. She is a real goddess. There shall be no decadent declarations of love neither a showering of hearts because I am just out of both but I do know that everything about her is absolutely beautiful. I also know that I am her prince right now. I dont think anything else is greatly relevant yet.

- b

ps doggie stop fucking around come over for eid this weekend.

4:46 AM


Posted by spectrum |

monday || august 16, 2010

i find it fitting to describe life in terms of venn diagrams right now. each of us being a circle, creating unions with other circles. breaking away, only to form other unions. and sometimes we interchange. because each of us is a different circle. and any 2 circles can create a union.

i also find it fitting to describe life in terms of a triangle. three points on a grid. but when you join one point to another, it creates a line, redefining the third point completely. one line and one random point on a grid.

i learnt that destruction only leads to recreation. in one way or another.

this is difficult to do. and i feel pressurized to choose the corrects words. clarity is important, but its so noisy. its so noisy, its hard to meditate. its so noisy, its hard to think. and how much of this noise is actually real? let me step away, and find out. let me build walls in certain directions and let me realize that i can do it.

i will not be posting here any more. what started out as a solid and motivating vision, has evolved, for better and worse, over time. and right now, i am so disconnected.

- d

8:47 AM

bus youhi

Posted by spectrum |

She told me about a meteor shower tonight... she told me to look up and to look East.
So on my way home i rolled a joint and went to the river.

“We come spinning out of nothingness, scattering stars like dust.” - Rumi


You with that sacha green in your eyes... So damn steady and calm.
Kia ho tum - you made my basketball worn ligaments fail and all my trick ankles trick.
It's a good feeling, to fall without falling.

Billo ka fit scene hai.... araam se Hazoor Paak bhi samjha gaie, aur iss saien ko apna murshid bhi bana gaie.

Hey I just left you at your door.
Tum pe waqt ki koi pareshaani na aaey, kiyoonkeh tum ajeeb sa sakoon laie ho hamarey paas.

- b

2:18 AM


Posted by spectrum |

I still want to drown / whenever you leave. / Please teach me gently how to breathe

- b

10:10 AM

kanjri ban ke, sadi izaat na ghatdi

Posted by spectrum |

sanu nach keh yaar manaa van de...

Lose every sense of anything worthy, in the pursuit of love. if your faith in it is that strong.
and if your faith in faith is that strong.

dance like a mad person, cry outside doorsteps.
do what you have to do, all for this love.

there is nothing to lose in love.

- b


12:40 AM

thoughts and ideas

Posted by spectrum |

thursday || july 22 2010

i was thinking about ideas and thoughts. then i went and saw inception. errrr...

now i obviously don't remember one of their specific conversations about ideas but really it kind of reflected what i was thinking. anyway, so we/i have thoughts all the time. and there are so many of a particular kind.

'bad thoughts'

we would never say them out loud. like sick thoughts, perverted thoughts, extreme thoughts, evil thoughts, violent thoughts etc. they remain in our heads as thoughts. so i decided to start writing them down. and it's such an uncomfortable activity. because of 2 reasons:

1. seeing twisted 'formations of mental objects' that came out of your head written on paper and reading over them again and again makes you want to deny you came up with them

2. hiding that information is nerve wracking

and so by now they have gained some kind of existence. they are ideas. they could have been one of those many thoughts you have everyday but don't pay attention to and eventually forget. but such a big deal has been made. and now the idea is real.

execution time!!

- d

7:28 AM

The Light of Other Days

Posted by spectrum |

my mother was reminding me today of how my father would call her reshma teasingly. and then she quoted some bulleh shah in a very cute beautiful way.

khair this particular one is wonderful and fitting. enjoy.

Aksar Shab e Tanhai

Often, on nights of solitude
Just a few, before sleep arrives, just a few.

Old things this heart was fond of,
Passed days of love.. come together...
Making you the light of my life.

And shed light on the state of my heart.


8:58 PM


Posted by spectrum |

i have decided to solidly pursue this invisible Devotion situation.

To love like the sky and the ocean love each God so stark and so unreal those horizons.. so many shades of similar thought within the blues and violets... they dance in love as the sun sets.. blending and overlapping like music and magic and heavenly figures showing themselves in the clouds. its like a disco party happening over the spherical unseen line.

from blue and purple to silver and grey.

constantly warping, never overlapping... how the sky tortures the sea with its stark rays of sun... evaporating so much. one vastness giving another vastness whatever it needs. only for the taker to become full and immense with grey...moments later weeping buckets back into its own other half.

who are you? i love you. i love you. i love you.
you are a boundless pleasure. you are the earth i never saw.


5:02 AM

for rumi

Posted by spectrum |

sunday || august 1, 2010

rumi has always been able to say what i mean to say, but better. who is he??

low, so low. with no desire to not be low. have i been asleep for two years.

shams left rumi. birdie left doggie. there is a pattern..

i can see how it would drive him where it drove him.

did he leave the cave? he probably did. and i would if i could. everything is a constant reminder. i should find out though.

in 'rumi's little book of love' he says:

to live without you
is to be robbed of love
and what is life without it?
to live without you
is death to me, my love
but some call it life

i will not give up this pain so easily,
i will not give up this longing until i live.
remembering him is the sweetest pain
that i will not exchange for any cure.

if i gaze at my beloved
she may feel embarrassed
and if i do not,
she will feel neglected.
i can see the stars reflecting
in the calm water of her face
but if i look away
i lose my clarity


- d

6:57 AM

invisible like devotion

Posted by spectrum |

Oh me, oh my. My love has left me a
mad woman. Seeing intense mirage
and dreaming frequently, unrestfully.

What happened to yours. Slippery like
a small silver fish. It escaped me.
It escaped me.

Though these legs are steady, the soul
spirals upwards this time.. with a lazy
cloudlike ebb and flow.
Light rejoices,
welcoming in an old friend. We are
such a melancholic beauty as One.

Stop already, wring out this heavy
expanded chest. Wash any further and
the color will start to fade.

In this unseen silent tug of war, a
strong hand just joined our side.

In this solidness of purity and
honesty, whatever you desire shall
materialize before your eyes.


6:54 PM

love is...

Posted by spectrum |

when you taste something delicious, and all you want to do is give her a bite.


12:18 AM

who is your buffalo

Posted by spectrum |

june 21 2010

months have gone by and i may have gone from being obsessed to crazy now. but sometimes absurd relationships too become part of the routine, and it is just not right without them. i am looking at a photograph of her standing in front of a gurdwara with a green dupatta on her head. there isn't much happening in it but it has been holding my attention for a ridiculously long period of time. i know this face well now because i have drawn it over and over again. i am still far from making it look accurate, but i can finally see it so much better. her hair is always parted from the right side of her head, at a very specific, low point. her eyebrows are thick, long and prominent. and her eyes are never fully open. she says people tell her she looks intoxicated constantly, but they always looked like they've been caught daydreaming to me.

i read a sufi story about someone meditating for 40 days with only the thought of their 'beloved', which was the man's buffalo. when he came out he had become a perfect lover because "everything is an expression of God, including a buffalo, and it is no different with love: in love we meet – and become – God"

it's not a wow story, but it did put across how you can make so much out of nothing.

- doggie

21st june, 2010

woh apni la-maqaani main rehay mast... mujhay itna bata de main kahaan hoon?
main hoon mashoor, ishq baazi main.

i celebrated my first day of work in the city of sin today, with those little plastic one shot bottles of whiskey and a cigarette in the park.

i wonder when we'll stop quoting rumi and abida. when we'll stop being affected by people and their confusions. when the draw of beautiful things will just become too exhausting to care about.

i am unwinding. i wish i could turn my brain off, delete things from it, go back in time, etc.

cheers to picking a new destination rather than furthering myself into the big black hole.

ishq zalim cheez hai.
- birdie

10:35 AM

o miyaan

Posted by spectrum |

may 20th, 2010

ishq te atish baraber...
aatish nu paani bhujave... te daso ishq da daru kehra?
akhe ghulam farida... peer farida - othey kuch nai bachda, jithe ishq ne la liya dera.
tere ishq nachaya. dera mere dil vich kita.

they say love and fire are the same...
but if water extinguishes fire
what the fuck substance extinguishes love?

ghulam farida says - nothing else ever remains, in the place that love decides to reside.
your love makes me dance like a crazy, your love has made me insane.
it decided to reside within my heart.

- birdie

8:11 AM

o bhenchod

Posted by spectrum |

i called the number ive never saved anywhere, because i always thought that it cannot be forgotten.
almost touching 11 years, i called the number in complete randomness and sadness and wonderfulness. my heart only an inch and 3 quarters hovering outside of my chest.

it rang and then rang and then it rang again. i was like fuck this she is obviously screening it.

ring. one more ring... -- -- - - - hello> gruff horrible sounding man.
hello? kon bol raha hai?

skype call hang up.

fuck. what the fuck is her number?!
>> stoned and this is hilarious.

4:59 PM

hello? i have something to say

Posted by spectrum |

thursday || february 18th, 2010

i realized yesterday that while i have been asleep, things have been happening. i've been out of the loop and not following the situation the way i used to. the last time i felt strongly about something 'gay-related' was probably months ago. i think i may have started viewing myself differently. it's all so vague, hard to put into words.

i can get away with not labeling my orientation because there is no proof of anything right now. i could be straight. gay. bi. who knows? and who will until i do something. who really even cares? i almost cringe as i write 'straight gay bi'. just because of the number of times i have read them, the contexts in which they have been used and the people they have been used by. i don't want to be associated with any of them. i feel homophobic and heterophobic (not a word) at the same time.

i'm not hating. i'm only talking about how words are making me feel.

labels are made for classification. so shit is organized and there is a system. everyone. is. so. obsessed. with. systems.
we really fear disorder, huh?

no, i understand why labels exist. we have names, don't we? although i'm not entirely sure if i like the concept of names either. i think maybe my utopia is way too simple. so fucking simple that it's too complicated to even understand how everything can function in such simplicity.

anyway, that went somewhere else. but i was saying that i think there is some solid lgbt movement starting in pakistan. i've come across some facebook group (that could have had a less cheesy default image) a bunch of times in the past few days. it's a big group with a lot of members. they seem active. i think it's a big deal because it's up for everyone to view and obviously since it's facebook, nobody is anonymous. they're doing it differently from the yahoo pakistani dykes haha.

but yeah, it may finally be happening over there. i think more people are coming out and i wouldn't say it's becoming common or acceptable, but the existence of homosexuals in pakistan is definitely (finally) being acknowledged. big step!! there's this lgbtiq group on fb, and from what i read i think members are meeting up, chay magazine is getting more popular. all this was unthinkable maybe 5-6 years ago. hmm.

- doggie

5:11 PM

i need to give her a name

Posted by spectrum |

tuesday || january 5th, 2010

i saw her in november. she was part of some south asian dance thing and i thought she was hot and looked like carmen. and somehow we ended up meeting a couple of times after that. oh, but she's 'straight'!! and that is so annoying.

anyway, she says many things that i find fascinating, but yesterday, she said this one thing in particular. she said:

"when i was younger, i used to write SO slow because i would admire my handwriting and then change it and admire it again, or spend a lot of time working on how i wrote each letter, deciding how i wanted to write it. consumed a large part of my life."

she likes hand lettering and fonts.. i didn't even know what to say to that. seems like i've been saying the wrong things though because she doesn't stop calling me 'yaar', 'buddy' and occasionally (and very unfortunately), 'bhain jee.' fuck!!! she made a comic sans joke yesterday!! i didn't think anyone found that shit funny.

but anyway, i can't tell if her excessive use of those friendly terms is her dropping hints. i think i'm just going to ignore them. i don't know if i'm in some kind of perpetual platonic state of mind. noo i'm not because i don't have platonic feelings for her BUT i'm still having the hardest time trying to tell her. i want to tell her, i should tell her.

everyone has a different strategy. one of my friends said, 'ignore her'. what the fuck? i don't want to ignore her! why should i ignore her?

so that's what's happening over here. it's been a stupid winter. i don't want to go back, i don't want to stay here either. both sides of the world are dull and depressing.

- doggie

4:45 AM

i'm alive!!!

Posted by spectrum |

friday || december 25th, 2009.

have we realized that it's been more than a year? we started this on november 29th 2008. fuck!!!

i'm home. again. as usual. completely stunned by the level of superficiality surrounding me. this place doesn't change and that's a little bit strange. i would've at least expected issues to evolve, but they just don't. we're stuck on the same things that bothered us many years ago.

i would have really liked to be snowed in the house with birdie right now, pretending it's our cave, watching sunrise, being high, drinking the new favorite beer, 16oz budweisers, and adding members to the black label family under her table. no work, no extra people. the rumi and shams scene would be on.

- doggie

ps. those are not paintings.

5:29 AM


Posted by spectrum |

to listen:


oh my god it feels so good to have space. the house is empty. im here all winter. there is fuck loads of snow outside. it is warm and orange in here, surrounded by doggies amazing paintings. im having a beer, smoking a joint and listening to marisa monte.

im so insanely going to process shit, i can feel it. being women is so stressful. and being women who love women is even more stressful.

laaaa i am breathing again.

>> but i miss doggie really a lot. mera chota sa chutiya rumi.


- birdie

7:07 AM

ni main jaana jogi dey naal

Posted by spectrum |

something snapped on a wednesday night. things break from time to time. today was one of those times where you just knew that something was about to break and you wanted to stop it because you knew and you tried but. the world is too strong in its ignorance. in how it sucks each individual in and makes them dance the puppet dance. your eyes are glass and your ears are covered in clingwrap so you dont know. ignoring all the signs.

why does it matter about tonight if it can be tomorrow night and if it cant be tomorrow then the bloody day after we will see each other and its fine.

i wanted to see you, and then i didnt. but all along i did,
my love.

no matter how much the lover denies it,
her Beloveds presence is always welcome.

it felt good to wander in the rain on unknown roads tonight. it felt good to remember what it means to have no shelter.
with some not giving a damn, and others caring so much that it makes you sick.
its good to feel no shelter.

- birdie

9:09 AM

this vehicle makes frequent stops

Posted by spectrum |

so i just found out that my first girlfriend. the one i drank salty cups of tea for, is getting married next month.
no grief or drama, its just kind of odd i guess. it has been so many years... this woman is responsible for a lot of important things in my world, so perhaps an ode to her is appropriate at this point.

Simon and Garfunkel - Scarborough Fair

Are you goin' to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme.
Remember me to one who lives there, she once was a true love of mine.

Tell her to make me a cambric shirt (On the side of a hill in the deep forest green).
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme (Tracing a sparrow on snow-crested ground).
Without no seams nor needlework (Blankets and bedclothes the child of the mountain).
Then she'll be a true love of mine (Sleeps unaware of the clarion call).

Tell her to find me an acre of land (On the side of a hill, a sprinkling of leaves).
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme (Washes the grave with silvery tears).
Between salt water and the sea strands (A soldier cleans and polishes a gun).
Then she'll be a true love of mine.

Tell her to reap it in a sickle of leather (War bellows, blazing in scarlet battalions).
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme (Generals order their soldiers to kill).
And gather it all in a bunch of heather (And to fight for a cause they've long ago forgotten).
Then she'll be a true love of mine.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme.
Remember me to one who lives there, she once was a true love of mine.


7:27 AM

naio lagda dil mera

Posted by spectrum |

mujhay doggie wapis chahiyeh.

mainney kaha tha, yehi hoga. tum ne meri aik na suni. bhenchod haramiya. dekho ab kiya ho raha hai.

i mean like YO DUDEEEE. i want to get drunk with you, and stoned with you. just you. and prance around. and make theories. and do things the way we used to do them. the insurgence of aliens is killing me. all the bad vibes are killing me, even though it is not even clear if they exist or where they are coming from. you chutiya, you dont even care.

- birdie

by mirza ghalib

- doggie

11:43 PM


Posted by spectrum |

august 3rd '09

since so many days. it's actually getting annoying now. i want this thought and everything attached to it to leave me already. i think it's been long enough. i'm awake like a hawk right now randomly. there was a story i created in my head last year that's been replaying lately because it's almost the time that it had to take place, but it won't be taking place. it's like many other things you build up to, which never happen. and it's not always because you didn't build properly. some things are just out of our control i guess.

the summer has been intense and dramatic. in a negative kind of way. for all of us. one fucked up situation to another. each that could have been much worse. but we probably say that because we are unable to handle extreme intensity. it's had its positive highlights too but there has always been something that has snapped positivity out.

it's almost time to go back but this is no state to return in. the bad vibes from the future that birdie and i have agreed upon should not exist.

low and hungry. why is it taking so long?

- doggie

8:16 AM

the virgin suicides

Posted by spectrum |

july 28th 09

it is 3.15 am

my cup is still full. the lover far away, as if never occurred. as if never real. ive tried to contact her, on ends of ends, but no replies are seeking me. only escapes.

this summer has been surreal and imaginary, as my dreams.

i am shoving disgusting pizza down my throat to end this deewana pan... just like i shoved it down my throat to have enough mental power to begin it. fucking ironic

the sun has finally set after a beautiful day of color and humor and breeze and rain and everything fitting.. it is finally dark now .. so i plug in my lamp and sit here.

i am wide awake, in my little shoebox. lying on an inflatable mattress on the floor with white sheets. it was a horrible night, the first time i slept on it. but the night is being reclaimed, bit by bit.

there is more on her pearly white sheets than she expected. besides the wine she spilled, beside the wine i spilled. there is hair from my sleepless head, there is tobacco and beer from my cabin fever, there is sweat and love from my restless summer, there is pizza sauce from the desire to become sober. there is so much more on her white ass sheets than she expected. but her old brown bedcover is still sacred.

what a mess a man can make. but what a mess a woman in love can make on white sheets.

can i just smoke one more cigarette in my room without hearing movement above my head. trivial things are resounding. a clock ticking on the wall. dim light ebbing out.. oddly shaped emptiness .. from a fading afternoon without her.

im lying here like a chutiya... staring up at the ceiling, wide fucking awake.
the fan is on, rotating lazily but is as good as off. it is barely moving the air around. my room is small stuffy and hot. it is pleasant night outside.

i killed three mosquitos and so my feet are safe tonight.
my brain is completely empty. numb. but i cannot sleep. ive been having disturbing vivid dreams and so the idea of sleep is quite unappealing. my lover is gone, and i am trying to contain myself for the days that shall now pass without her.

i still cant seem to explain what has happened to me. why it has happened and what shall become of this. the future has never been so uncertain, on many levels. i am still like the air before a thunderstorm. i think the worst is not yet over, though i am not sure how much more i can take.

the summer has been less than ideal on all fronts. and i have not even yet dealt with the mistakes i made through the spring. i am so utterly fucked and yet i am just here. chilling. with my brain completely empty. this cannot be healthy in the long run, as everyone is telling me. but man there is just so much shit, so much shit that i am absolutely unable to do anything about any of it at all.

someone has injected crazy into my blood. after many years i am feeling crazy. but there has been no room to enjoy this crazy, to realize it wonderfully as crazy is meant to be. why oh my god. why is it taking so long to settle.

what an absolutely odd summer.

- birdie

2:18 PM


Posted by spectrum |

july 13th '09

the weather did strange things today. it's being doing them lately actually. they call it the monsoon season i guess. i woke up this morning as usual to a switched off air conditioner, a deathly slow fan whirring and 50 degrees celsius/120 degrees fahrenheit temperature. disgusting. but i woke up early after many days of forceful oversleeping in these unbearable conditions. woke up and went to work like i am supposed to.

i watched a movie called the reader today. i liked it. managed to watch it in one go with very little zoning out. i don't mean to ruin the movie so don't read this if you want to see the movie. a 15 year old boy in the 1950s in germany has an affair with an older woman. she must have been 30? 40? i don't know they never told her age. anyway, so it's the boys first time with someone and he's fully into it. he goes to her house every day and they have a routine; he reads a book to her and then they make love. but after the first three times that this happens they get into a fight. she yells at him and tells him to leave her house. he freaks out and apologizes and asks if she is upset because of him. she says that he 'is not even important enough to upset her.' woah deja vu!!! he leaves the room crying and then bursts back in telling her he's madly in love with her and the thought of life without her kills him. so they patch up and they're together for the whole summer but on his birthday she randomly abandons him and disappears and he is fucked for life.

i was watching the movie so intently that i didn't realize i was sitting in a pitch dark room at 3 pm. there was a crazy aandhi (i have seen the wildest aandis of my life this summer) outside and the sky was dark grey. then it rained for a bit and got slightly bright. i went for a very spaced out drive. i realized the different routes i take depending on my mood. i went to the wide empty roads and minimum civilization today. it was great, with my awkward hair slapping my face because of the wind and rain pouring into my car because of the direction of the wind. the city looked so fucking alive with nature going out of control. and the smell of mitti was so strong.

but then the rain fucked it up by going insane and i couldn't see a thing so i came back home. i went all over the house searching for an outdoor area to sit in with some kind of roof. there isn't a single place in this house. so weird. now i'm sitting in the porch where the car should be but isn't. it serves the purpose. but i miss my old house with the awesome veranda that had chairs, flowers, plants and a dog. it was a step higher than the big green garden where i used to float paper boats as a kid when it would rain. our drainage system was shitty and all the water would drain into the garden which used to turn into an enormous ocean for paper boats. the same house where i drew life sized children on my walls. they got covered by wallpaper but i always found the thought of whoever moved in next pulling off the wallpaper and discovering those drawings damn hilarious.

- doggie

6:00 PM

a problem

Posted by spectrum |

july 2nd 09

i miss her sooo much. i shouldn't miss her at all.

she was a liar, overly dramatic, very mean, a cheater, confused, fake, a user, not on the same page, so cold at times, vain, a total bitch, incapable of understanding me, a mystery, irrational, a hater and selfish.

but she is still the one. i don't know how. i can't forget her and i'm constantly traveling back to her.


11:17 AM


Posted by spectrum |

june 28th 09

oh my god it is 6.15 in the morning i just got home and am i sitting here still drinking after i have finished a whole bottle of whiskey and some weed and gone to an incredible dyke parade where it rained and all the women were drenched wet from head to toe screaming and chanting and dancing. where else can you scream so loud about loving women she said. fuck yeah. and then the sun came out and there was a rainbow so wah kia baat hai yaar.

you know that night, that fitful night that we went to the closest club a few blocks from our house i was looking for nothing i was so out of it i just wanted to go dance. when i went to the bar i found a 7 foot tall blonde somewhat attractive straight woman and bought her drink for her with my roommates debit card. very suave. and then she joined me outside for a cigarette. had i not done this i would not have felt the need for a cigarette, and had not have been standing outside when Pyaari exited the club - i would not have seen her eyes, i would not have remembered that face. i did not check her out. i remember this too. i did not see her, i only saw her eyes because they were within mine. i knew she was approaching me for a cigarette and so i handed one to her before she could say a word. then she straightened up and so did i and i saw what a knockout maddening sight she was. as i was nervously handing her my lighter. she lit it with regal flare, meeting eyes beneath lashes with me for just a split second as naturally as that comes to people, just before they inhale. oh my god.

the next day we had coffee and it was windy so when i poured sugar into mine it flew and reflected like fireworks against the sun, little grains of sugar they landed on her lower lip. she didnt even realize this presence of sweetness but she unconsciously bit her lip and sucked it away my god i was sitting there so completely fucked by the movie like madness of that moment.

she is the long limbed curly tresses dark skinned powerful muscular godess-like, everything that i could ever imagine a woman to embody so perfectly and gracefully and balanced .. it is her. and so i cannot, can not find the rest of the world beautiful anymore until i have her.

fuck. the screwdriver is strong.

- birdie

6:34 PM

ey ey ey

Posted by spectrum |

june 27th 09

i was just unable to log in because i had forgotten the email address/password. hmm very bad.

i've been threatening to delete the blog if birdie writes on it again. hahaha. now i feel like an asshole. but i'm really happy and i don't know where else to go right now. i got some stuff all the way from kabul. and every time i smoke it i start prancing around with a huge smile.

so birdie and grape cigar have both fallen in some kind of intense love (not with each other). many things about their situation are very very similar but there is such a huge difference at the way things are happening with both of them. the way they are reacting. i've realized that grape cigar is very different from us. i can relate so much more with birdie. grape cigar's girlfriend is completely.. i'm losing the language.. but i mean to say i cannot relate to her at all or know of anyone who i can relate to her.

it's just so dull i think.

i've probably said this many times before but being home is so crazy and different. i got a job and i've been trying to work as many hours as possible. i also joined the gym last week and i haven't skipped even one day. i have severe ADD. i don't know what to do about it. i can't do anything for more than 15 minutes. even at work, i can't work on a project for more than 15 minutes and that's really really bad. so i came to the conclusion that i'll always be a shitty employee and hence i need to do something on my own. so i'm picturing my workspace to have a television, playstation, loaded fridge and a dartboard. i should probably start saving up


which reminds me! i haven't gotten into any kind of trouble, or been in a situation that can land me in trouble in a really long time and i'm beginning to get really bored now. the city is not offering much at the moment (although i'm planning to escape for a weekend and that will definitely be exciting but in case that doesn't work out...). so i figured out what i need to do. i've saved up and i'm going to start investing in the stock market.

so before i got distracted by talking about ADD (so ironic) i was going to say that i'm trying to read books and some poetry (but obviously reading for 15 minutes a day is not helping much). i also started writing a book which was going great till obviously some girl had to fuck it up.

i want mushrrrrrooooommmss. so bad.


12:22 PM

i ran into a mermaid...

Posted by spectrum |

19 june '09 7.30 am

i ran into a mermaid, she kissed me.
she pulled me under and into her world.
she asked me to drown with her.
i did.

maybe she didnt know, that pisces can breathe underwater.

9:50 AM

oos ne humain solidly phasa liya hai

Posted by spectrum |

4 june 09

im drinking the whiskey that we bought. oh fuck it is burning me and i am listening to cultura profetica... suddenly i hear urdu/hindi in the middle of the damn song and i am not imagining this because i just confirmed it with doggie. the woman in the song is saying tum beghairat insaan ho (you are a human with no shame), batain banae keh siva tumhe kuch nehi aata (you dont know anything but lies and making up stories), na tumhara koi character hai na koi adikaar ( you have no character and no manners). hahaha what the fuck. how fucking solid.

i killed the mosquito that bit her everywhere last night... and there is a bit of what i assume is her blood splattered on my white ass new walls. its strange the way im thinking about her but i like it. after endless moments of varying intensity where you think - shit it wont get more intense then this, it happens again and you are so unready, so totally fucked.

im watching morning break from my window, in the city of sin sky. its raining heavy and harshly beating down not on my skylight but on something unseen since i am unfamiliar with this new architecture.

i met Bette Porter today and it was pleasant. I also met Green Eyes and it was just sad. her hands and fingertips lingered in mine for a few extra moments and i just felt horrible for what ive done. still, i feel that there is room for all of us to just drop all the drama that happened when i hooked up with her friends girlfriend... it was ambiguous and drunk mistakes should always be forgiven. like she says, time will heal. but will time mend the ways in my head?

fuck man whiskey is nasty. when she is tipsy her head gets heavy and it rests on my shoulder. i like her a lot but she is dangerous. i can see the danger already it is flashing in my face bright red saying birdie get out right now. but i know i wont. she is karma here to take from me what i took from so many. this is my ultimate analysis. so be it then. i am ready to be taken.

it took me almost three hours to get home because of fucking where im living. i blame sherbet gula who i am not even attracted to anymore. what the fuck. i need to grow out of obsession and impulsiveness.

death to this blog. it is so damn depressing lately. we need to outsource but doggie does not agree and says we should just delete it.

city of sin is new and fun but also alone and odd to be living in.

when you move to a new place, in the morning you wake up often having no fucking idea where you are and that is such a bad feeling. she was supposed to drive back at 4 am. in dreams, i saw myself walk her to a bus. but within the dream i realized she wasnt going to take no bus, because she has a car. so i woke up and she was gone. this has hit me hard, because ive never dreamt so connected to reality, when it not actually happening in real time. you know? if you hear something around you and dream it its different. but it wasnt like i was sleeping and she was leaving. she was gone when i woke up. cruel and beautiful.

who the fuck is she and why is this solidly happening to me. the worst part is that she isnt mine and probably will not give up what she has to be with me. this is the sad fucking part. so again i find myself taking what is being offered just to have something basic.

zulmi dunya, kia scene.

- birdie

6:53 PM

it didn't mean a thing to her

Posted by spectrum |

3 june
she finally came clean to me. said she was having some problems and hence things happened with me but 'they didn't mean a thing to her' and she wants me to get rid of something she gave me because she 'doesn't want proof of her stupidness to exist.' she said she feels like 'she always just led me on.' she is 'sorry for wasting my time' because it was 'invalid and false.'

so.. who the fuck wants to hear that? i knew she would have some intensely hurtful reasons for asking me to get rid of the thing. but i needed to hear it. i don't know why. i'm beginning to think that birdie is right about me being self destructive. but how the fuck could i stop myself from hearing her say all that? there was no way i was going to get over her by telling myself all this. i needed her to just do it.

they didn't mean a thing to her. fuck but how???? how could i have fallen so badly for something that was invalid and false?? i don't understand. i'm so sober. what is this revenge for?

proof of her stupidness.. i was her stupidness. i was a mistake. of course i was. how the fuck could i assume that she was legitimately into me???? hahaha. what the fuck. it makes sense because sometimes i did wonder why someone as beautiful as her would even bother to show any interest in me.. she wasn't interested. she didn't give a fuck. she was going to settle for anyone.

but HOW?? how could she see me being so in love with her and ok with it? didn't it bother her? didn't she feel ANYTHING back? i guess not.

i'm so fucking moved by the conversation we just had. i don't know what to do. i can't believe she finally said it. what would be someone else's reaction to hearing that? am i overreacting? fuck i don't even care. i meant nothing to her. ever. at any point. and.. nobody has ever meant as much to me as she has. how does that work???

i'm so sober and this is more real than it should be

- doggie

30 may 09

oh fuck so declaration time. official declaration. i think something very hardcore is happening to me.

too soon, too unexpected. not ready for this shit but it just fucking happened and i had no control i swear.
i was just chilling outside the club talking to a 7 foot blonde woman smoking a cigarette and then...
this is why smoking is bad, its not the cancer.

im leaving in less than 6 hours. lovestoned, drunk, where is my sober perception i have no idea. this surrealism thing is fucking with me on so many levels.

i am higher than ive ever been over the fact that every year i find myself dealing with some insane attachment issues because things are always ending around this time and everyone is starting new things.
but this time it feels a lot heavier, and just ridiculously sad. i think this is an era ending, not a chapter.

its funny, she lives less than three minutes from my house and how did i fucking miss her all this while.. damn people and their bikes..

this feeling is really intense. i cant seem to think of a better word its just so fucking intense. i never know who im in love with where what and when, im not even sure what the word means. but i know that right now something very solid is happening to me. that is all i know for sure in this moment. maybe tomorrow it will be different. but for right now im totally solidly fucked.

since the moment that i met her randomly at that crazy straight club close to our house i am just obsessed and so is she and this is nothing that she has ever done before and both of us are like whoa wtf is going on.

ive been trying to say goodbye but i cant. i cannot take my hands or my eyes or my mind off of her. she has a dark panther like grace when she walks, but is still really relaxed. she looks incredibly comfortable in her skin, and i dont think ive ever seen such warm light brown eyes before. fuck man. when she walks its like she is flirting with the air around her. i really dont know how to describe this. there is really nothing i could say that would be an accurate description of how she appears to me.

but this is bad. really bad. when she sat next to me tonight i couldnt even breathe. i really was having trouble and that is ridiculous.
fuck fuck fuck how did this happen. i have met this ridiculously intense dark insanely beautiful graceful mad woman, and im totally fucked i dont care about anything in the world at this point nothing matters all i can think of is her. this is obviously not normal.

shit so my summer plans were moronic and driven by stupid things. how do i manage to keep doing this to myself. am i projecting. is her mystery and her charm fucking with me. is it because she is older or because she is taller and i have been wanting to feel fragile for a while. i have absolutely no answers to these important questions.

i also feel though, that if i dont leave now, right now... ill be overwhelmed beyond the degree that i can handle.. so i must leave. i fucking need to go.

fuck okay im going to take a nap to the last daylight of this place that i will see.. im still not fully packed. ive been getting more drunk and stoned than i should because every time she leaves the house a heavy heavy something falls upon my chest and i cant move. so yeah i should take my body and its reactions seriously on this one. i want to trust what my heart is telling me but this is really the extent of crazy.

city of sin im inside you by tomorrow evening. treat me well please.

- birdie

7:44 AM


Posted by spectrum |

24 may 09
air is circling me from the back door as it enters bringing scent from the sudden thunder and the two minute rain and the warmth of the sun. it leaves through the front door... smoke from burning incense traveling before my eyes making a perfect circle. in the living room an angry fly is banging its head against a corner of the ceiling. De tout ton coeur - Anouar Brahem in his darkest point of tune. happy duo at the kitchen table. playing games, laughing loudly.
the heaviness of this process is unsettling, but i cannot help laughing with them from across the house at their stupid stoned jokes.

wind chimes, chirping birds add to the soundtrack of this trippy prolonged moment. i smell opium incense and leaves and dust. how can so many beautiful little things be moving together to make such mellow intense sadness.

three hours later; the battle of yellow versus grey streaming through the windows is ridiculous. thick storm clouds finally win over the sun. it is pouring heavy droplets of rain on our porch now. this is so fucking surreal where am i.
Rue du d├ępart, Anouar Brahem.

Le pas du chat noir, we are back at the top. sharabi ankhen, it is 3.12 am now. she came to me with fragrance in her hair and tied upon my right wrist a gift. beaded lapis lazuli. holy fuck i thought../.. what is this mockery of everything that has meant anything to me.

when my number one stole a giant blue ball of afghani lapis lazuli from a vendor in islamabad, she gifted it to me on one of our anniversaries... saying i was the blue to her deepest purple, and thus the lapis lazuli blue. she tied the knot around my right wrist and asked me if it was too tight. shit what the fuck, i did not welcome it but this tragic emotion too, is in my space this night.

why is there still more wine in my cup and this one artist still playing, stirring all kinds of havoc in me all day. all day and we even tried to play other things. the fly from the afternoon got caught in a spiderweb in the window nook. it buzzed in pain, and we moved from the love seat to the kitchen. I could not bear the noise of it, and she could not bear the distraction of her interest.

the tensions in the chords are too much. and much to much is their expression of sound. i met two women tonight at the club, i will obviously not call the blonde one tomorrow but why.

no answer from this drunk dialing. doggie told me today she might not come back in the fall. summer and parents treating her badly, semester off might be the way. jigger i will die. im telling you. look at me already.

my mother on the phone is calling me melodramatic, and this is exactly the lecture i need.
when i close my eyes they burn and ask to be shut just a few minutes longer.


5:00 PM

another chapter closed

Posted by spectrum |

24th may, 09

i think i'm having a postponed official break up.

my ex girlfriend from last year just made a request. she wants me to get rid of the only thing that she ever gave me. a letter she wrote last august. she knows i like to hold on to things like letters. she told me months ago that she has to ask me for a favor. it's going to crush me and make me hate her but i'll still do it. and now when i finally get it out of her, i find out she just wants me to get rid of that letter. she wants me to do it because she doesn't feel that way about me anymore.

we haven't been together since august but i obviously have been completely unable to get over her. i was with her all the time over winter break, subconsciously telling myself that everything will go back like it used to be and fix itself. but it didn't and then i left for college again. and before coming home this time, i was sure that it's been way too long for both of us to stay like this and we'll work it out. it's day 3 and she has told me is done with this.

it sucks. i always had a sense of comfort in the fact that at least it would eventually work out with her so whatever shit happens with other people doesn't really matter. my past few days have been very fucked up. i'm in deep legal trouble because of a mistake i made and my future is completely in the air at the moment. i am so lost, stressed and uncertain. i can't sleep well or concentrate on anything. my priorities are messed up and i've never been this demotivated. i don't want to do anything. i don't even want to smoke a joint. i've had a chunk of hash lying in my closet for 3 days now and i don't want to touch it. i don't want to meet anyone or get a job or go out. i've been killing time, and i just realized that i don't know what i'm killing time for. for once, i have absolutely nothing to look forward to. i'm not waiting for anything.

and now she tells me that her and i are over for good. if i could describe my life visually right now, i'd say it's like a row of blocks falling down one after another. and it's not that i didn't have enough blocks. i build all the time, one after another. but they collapse so often.

as shitty as it sounds, i don't think i can be around her for very long knowing there is no chance. it would be self destructive to do that. yet, i don't want to tell her that i don't want to hang out with her because i am not over her. i am so sick of being that person. always having to watch them move on and expected to have moved on as well.

so dull. so dead. so exhausted. i think i am finally disillusioned by the concept of love

- doggie

4:26 PM

i am home.. again

Posted by spectrum |

i just came out to my ex boyfriend.

i'm not sure how i feel about it. it happened 2 hours ago. we were driving around telling each other what we have been up to in the previous semester (i just got back home). and once i was done telling him about the boring bullshit, i randomly said 'so i totally love this girl'. he mildly freaked and almost stopped his car. i laughed and asked him how he could not know after knowing me for 7 years. but he was just so confused and kept asking me 'if i was sure.' of course i was sure. what is there to be sure about? and then i told him my theory about me liking people for people and not liking them based on what genitals they have haha.

so we park the car and go in the restaurant and start eating and he looks like he has just been slapped. previously we had some conversations about his confusion over his sexuality. he starts asking me how it feels to finally know and how i found out. i told him it's great and he should do it too. he said that firstly, his main concern in life is success and being knowledgeable and secondly he might not be able to handle the truth. after a while i decided to tell him the full truth. i told him i've known since 8 years. he had a lot of questions and kept randomly stressing out. i told him to get out of this place because he needs to go somewhere new and more liberal to know. he asked what happens next for me. and i told him the two options; come out (which i would never do to my family) or marry as expected. as far as marriage goes, the ideal situation would be to find a guy in the same situation as me.

anyway, so we talked some more. he told me he believes in gay and straight being two solid situations. you're either one or the other and there's no in between. i disagreed. i said it's all about preference and percentage. for some its 50% and 50%, for others it might be 80% and 20% and maybe some extreme cases are 100% but there's definitely not a 'if-you-call-yourself-gay-you-find-the-opposite-sex-unattractive'. i don't know why he doesn't agree with that. he himself told me that he established that he was gay until he dated a chick and was physically attracted to her and hence got confused again. stupid moron.

so he dropped me home and when i went inside he texted me saying 'we're totally getting married someday aren't we? isn't that the plan?'


9:38 AM

i dont like this place, it's full of robots.

Posted by spectrum |

i am angry fucked up and i dont like it.

white walls are staring at me, drained and stripped of their warm vibrant colors.
we have been killing insects with many legs in the house that we love.

doggie left for home and so its just me and hamster for the last stretch of this race. soon it will be her alone, and then were solidly done.

i hear tape and boxes upstairs from my room. colors leaving my walls, trinkets leaving my drawers.
i am just sifting and sorting, handing her the shit without even looking up. feeling all of the fabric and all of the feelings touch my skin and slide off and pass on to their correct place.

this is tearing me apart.

i am angry but so fucking tired. i cant even vent or yell im just so damn tired.

aye maderchod log harami saaley saare keh saare.
dil walon ka kia kasoor hai.

my bipolarity, split personality and general insanity has allowed me to fuck myself over by becoming so damn fascinated by shiny stupid things. pretty painted egg shell. you hooked up with me because you thought he cheated on you and that is the end of this story. i am happy to have been of service.

and then i fucked up some more and lost the other one who was amazing inspiring genius and truly beautiful. sometimes i sit and read our conversations and im like wow man, this was something solid that moved me in a way that i havnt been in a while, and now its just fucked.

besides this i came out to a friend ive known since i was a kid and she took it well but today she asked me how much longer i intended on being 'confused' like this and why i wasnt actively trying to be with a man since i am bi as i claim. she was totally appalled by the fact that i am not confused and actually content and not even wanting to marry. what the fuck. i am so angry at people and their stupid bubbles.

i am also heart broken by mothers tears. so she came into your room and she cried for an hour and asked you to change yourself, your walk and your hair and your talk and your eyebrow piercing. she is crying for her daughter because in their heads and in their homes their daughters dont look like hers and this is so frightening to everyone and her the most because she thinks that somehow she fucked up. what the fuck. i am so fucking angry at these fucker asshole heartless people who have no idea what they are talking about or where we are coming from or how they are hurting other people so damn deeply.

i have been doing this thing where i want to love for the detail, for the smaller things, for the things i find beautiful that may or may not be what is conventionally beautiful. in doing this over a series with people and places and things i have found myself in this state of total fucked overness, where nothing is at all coming back to me and though i didnt care about this before i care about it now and i dont like how this is happening because i always felt happy in just loving.

something beautiful inside me is dying and i feel it. so i dont want to be like this anymore.


10:06 AM

ghoom, charkhi ghoom.

Posted by spectrum |

may 15th 09

hum ne socha tha, keh woh kabhi bhi nai aaey gi,
aghar hum usay bhool jaein.

magar woh aaie, hazaar baar aaie.
hur khuab main, hur cheez main sirif woh.

hum tau sharabi kababi loag hain hamara kia.

iss waqt mein koi aur, aur kal koi aur.
magar aaj raat neend na aaey gi.

inteha ka intezar... bhi guzar chuka hai.
woh na aaie, aur na woh aaey gi.

magar woh hai, hur jagha hai woh.

unn ki godh mei hamara sar para hai
unn keh hathon mein hamari dastaan

kaisay hain yeh loag. jin ko koi ehsaas nehin...

koi ehsaas nehin hai inn logon ko.

itney duur hai yeh insaanon se
kia mutlab hai iss kisam keh andaaz ka.

jaan jaati hai uun per,
lekin hum mehfil main mojuud nehin hongay

kaisa hai yeh andaaz aap ka. jo humain itni gehraai se kaat raha hai.

hai sir hai.


Posted by spectrum |

hwy does hse leave e for someone who doesnt even show up or want o ado anywayhtnikng.

i really love her and ig uesve a sht relaly nhknestly i give a shot and that s why im so mad. i cam reallyt yhbe so awesome she jsut went offline and what mesns he just arrived at her rorom. she s so frunk and shes rpiabtly as wasted as ai am right now which emenas that shes out of her mind. birdie has passed out sshes passed out on the couhc but i bourhg her up. i need ot wake her up for tomoorrow ists a cery important tday sfor her and i need to wak uher u and i hope htat i do. i cant beve keep my eyes open and thats whats fucking up everuyhgin because im just tuping on instinct frm emmory . oh my god im dryikng oi need to go bye?doggied

10:03 AM

dum maro dum, mit jaey gham

Posted by spectrum |

2 may 09

this feeling of late realization, keh fuck man.. woh pyaari hai. uff bohat pyaari hai (she's beautiful, like really beautiful) .. that doesnt hit you the first time you meet, or even the second. this kind of a feeling always fucks with me more than the instant holy shit she is hot feeling. yo, she is incredible. wtf. The Phoenix, she is interesting. I want to see her more. im kind of blown away by how beautiful she is, so all i can do in her presence is nod at her and smile with my eyes half open, totally intoxicated just by who she is and how i perceive her. being around her is also different for me because she has a lot of positive alive kind of energy, as opposed to my hopeless emo self 


she came out of nowhere, she was so far back somewhere in my head. she arrived and took my attention by force. and then she left. and then she returned. and she keeps going back and forth. by now she has me solidly in the palm of her hand. and i hate being right here. 
her hands, my hands, they dont match at all. black fucking hair, dark black almost blue thick long hair in between my fingers and running through my hands, stirring something crazy inside of me, i am just going mad inside of my head. but on the surface i am an actor. calm, proceeding with the task as nonsexually as possible. for her sake. oye women like these are too cruel. but at the same time they are so damn beautiful. it is worth it, what we do to ourselves for them.


i miss her goddamit what the fuck. yaar, this is not okay. it really isnt. her priorities are somewhere else, better allocated but re, this is not fair. i have found some semblance of communication because i found her writing. i hope we are on the same page. 


i love eyes, but i love expressions just as much. and one of my favorite expression is the non deliberate smile. the one that happens, when something so ridiculous just occured around her and she is trying so hard to be stone cold serious. but she fails, and she smiles. amidst pink spring carnations. my god that was a priceless moment.  


doggie, harami. tumhe abhi tak oos se pyaar hai. bhenchod. what the fuck sense does this make. i am going along with this because i have no choice, but yo man. this is solidly fucked up. we make them into whatever we want them to be. its not something anyone can fight, it happens once, twice thrice and again and again. age or whatever does not matter infront of this basic innate need to worship. please na kero though. please.


more later, when a bit sober.


7:38 AM

birdie is a bully

Posted by spectrum |

1 may 09

so i am being forced to post the posts i have previously posted.. and later deleted. i don't like them very much but whatever.

grape cigar 

may 30th 2009
it's been way too long and i'm beginning to see myself in everything. i think i'm understanding myself through what i do and what i think. it's been many many months and i have fallen for you and not been able to get over you. that, among many other things, is my problem. i can't get over. no matter what, i can't let go. i have never been able to let go of anyone i have felt anything for. 
i was drawn to you from the moment i read your name almost a year ago. and after i finally met you, i couldn't stop thinking about you for months. and after i finally told you how i felt and you rejected me, i still couldn't get over you. and now that we've become great friends, i am unable to eliminate the thoughts i shouldn't be having. i don't tell you and i don't let it show but sometimes i wonder how you assume i don't feel the way i used to. 
she gets what she wants. always. i have been a witness to her just pointing out someone she thinks is attractive and getting them in a matter of days without doing anything herself. i wonder if things would have been different if i had never gotten to know her. if i was just one of those people she walked past everyday. but when i was one of them, i wanted to know her and now that i do, i have become her confidant. 
she wants sex. she talks about it all the time. but what i feel for her is so much more than just a physical attraction. i have fallen for the person she is. among all the people she has hooked up with ever since i have known her, i can honestly say that none of them know her, understand her or really give a fuck about her as much as i do. she is killing me, bit by bit, without knowing it, and i don't know what to do.
- doggie

(somtime in march)

lately everything has been pretty damn ugly.

there has been a subtle but very obvious, very much present, energy hovering about even before anything was said. vibes are weird. they fascinate me but sometimes  i wish i was unable to receive them because a bad vibe is a vague indication. it's a bitter taste.

this is not about a girl. everything is not about girls.

i'm so fucking disconnected right now. i don't know how this happened. i have no desire to meet friends and chill. i don't care who is who. or how long i've known you. i don't remember what it was like when you were a priority.

i'm losing track of time too. it's varying so much.

what the fuck is happening? what is this deliberate hollow feeling and where did it come from?

i don't want to do anything. i'm done. fuck you i don't have a problem. fuck all of you.

i know what you're thinking. i know what you think of me. you won't say it.

man. honestly. wtf? where are you?


8:41 AM

the light of venus destroys the rising sun

Posted by spectrum |

mohabbat kernay wale, kam na honge. 
teri mehfil me lekin, hum na honge.

i didnt know names had such deep meaning. she is killing me so fucking intensely. this woman was made to be mine, but she obviously has no idea because this fool is so stupid and cannot express anything properly enough for anyone to take seriously. 

meri jan aap kay hathon main hai. kuch tau khiyal kijiye.

what really does happen when reflections realize each other? 
(is it really intense, or is it really awkward? )

- birdie 

3:47 AM

raat ki raani

Posted by spectrum |

when the season changes i know that it is time to leave many things behind.

i am sitting by my window listening to hariprasad chaurasia performing raag puriya kalyan. there are crickets in the background of this live recording. i hear cars passing by, sirens far away, a dog barking, wind chimes on the porch
and the flutes. and the drone of the crickets. 
raat ki raani, na aie lekin. 

i am going to slow down for a bit. maybe even retrace some steps. 
i feel like i am getting beyond myself. 

- birdie

11:36 PM

o re chori

Posted by spectrum |

with the falling of warm rain we have come full circle and
i have now spent all of the seasons
inside the place that is so yours, and is so mine

how i wish you could have seen them too.

- birdie

4:49 AM

it's almost 420

Posted by spectrum |

april 16th, 2009

i find myself doing crazy things for weed. i walk long distances in the rain and snow. i buy when i don't have any money. i keep track of who all smokes so if i can't get it from my sources for some reason there should always be a backup. etc etc. i am transitioning from the 'people obsession'. they just come with their own plate of issues which become yours. intoxication is leading to so many different kinds of discoveries.

we were on mushrooms twice this week. and both trips were so fucking awesome. the first one was absurd and hilarious and the second one was enchanting. it is such a visual drug. i love the colors, the thoughts, the connection with the 'shroomies', the discoveries and the madness. you are really somewhere amazing for a while.

grape cigar is ending and also just beginning. it was just an obsessive phase and she turned out to be a buddy. we're moving in together and it's going to be ok. she has a boyfriend and it is ok. there is so much that you just fucking need to be ok with. just because you need to. it's unnatural but at the same time it's crazy how we tell ourselves to believe certain things and actually end up falling for it.

i wanted to start growing weed next semester. i've been thinking about it a lot. i want to stop buying weed from people and grow my own. but apparently it smells too much. fucking landlord. fucking system man!!! it's so irritating and controlled. we're in some dark alley or sketchy park because we need to smoke. because a bunch of assholes decided that it's illegal. i want buy some land and animals and live on my farm. i would grow vegetables (they would be real, healthy and fresh) and weed. the cow would give milk and cheese and the chickens would lay eggs. i wouldn't be paying ridiculous amounts of money for shitty food. i would be self sufficient. and be growing my own weed. the excess of everything could be sold or whatever, just even given away i don't care. a chilled out life away from all the chaos. and i would get to focus my creativity where i actually want it to go, rather than dividing it into so many pieces just to please other people.

i don't know what to do.
we need to make money. unfortunately, everything comes down to that. i hate money. it fucks up everything. it is the deciding factor for everything.
and also there are so many people who are so intolerant!!! narrow minded assholes.

- doggie

...where the abyss is infinitely deep.

fuck man, nadia ali has this solid opening line in her stupid chastity song.

okay so the weather is wonderful. im waiting for doggie to arrive so we can do shrooms in the park. we are having too much fun, in our most stressful times.

our country is totally fucked and there is nothing we can do about it so we are just bitching and depressed.

i never wear white, but she once told me that id look good in white. so whenever i miss her i wear my one white t-shirt.

shit is coming along slowly. man why do i have to convert everyone i want to sleep with in this city. the legitimate hot girls are all straight in this damn fucking place. im moving to the city of sin for the summer. and its hilarious because my apartment is 5 blocks away from Sherbet Gula. she is freaking the fuck out, but honestly it wasnt intentional. i emailed sooooo manyyyy people and this place was the only one who wanted me.

omg doggie just called asking if i want pizza. im like yeah, and she says she gonna get me a slice of cheese. so obviously im like wtf get me a mushroom slice. and she does this evil laugh and says youre going to put the mushrooms on it yourself. fuckkkkk its shroomieee timeee!!

bye bye

- birdie

6:06 AM

what is preoccupying everyone?!

Posted by spectrum |

04 04 09

we're just sitting around, doing nothing and waiting for everything to burn down in front of us. the signs were always there but we didn't take them seriously. we're too optimistic and hopeful. we're not capable of digesting reality and hence we are always fucking lying to ourselves and everyone else. everyone has a justification for what they do and there are so many that i want to hear. and still, still after knowing everything it's the insignificant and stupid things that occupy our minds. we're going to stress about the grand situation, we're going to talk about it, we're going to try to come up with solutions, but, we're going to get distracted so fucking easily.

this probably isn't supposed to be the content of the blog.

- doggie

9:55 AM

oye sharabi

Posted by spectrum |

i didnt really have to say anything. just drunk and i thought of the title so here i am. doggie has been missing in action. today she signed her lease with Grape Cigar and has broken my heart permanently on this matter. because we were supposed to move in together, and she totally ditched me for the girl. arey.

im listening to jill scott and these are the lines i like:
You love me, especially different every time.
You keep me on my feet, happily excited
By your cologne, your hands, your smile, your intelligence
You woo me, you court me, you tease me, you please me
You school me, give me some things to think about
Ignite me, you invite me, you co-write me...

so i guess here goes my token wasted stoned rant on love for the day.

i know how to love you because i know how to love.
women. argh. as am i, as are you. shit, how can i not know how to love you?

lots of people have told me one way or the other that i have a very unrealistically high concept of hope. it took me a while to figure out what they were trying to say but now im beginning to get it.
but what the hell am i supposed to do i cant help it.
i think its beautiful, really. they are so sexy in one moment, and then so fucking on point in the next moment, and then super cute. finally a little bit later, you have to pitch around to find it, but no matter how incredible and radiant a person they are, there are still elements of insecurity within them.
shit, that is so awesome. how there is a pattern, but it is so unique and individualistic for each person. isnt that just crazy gorgeous? i think it is.

it is also totally okay to want this kind of gorgeousness, and to believe that you can have it. i think that if you find a reason to appreciate someone, you have the right to bloody go for it.

the really pale blue of 6 am is what i see from my window right now. trust is a difficult thing to regain once you fuck it up and lose it. people are not chill enough. i think they dont smoke enough. why no second chance man.

my nails are short again. but this doesnt mean anything anymore to me. fuck, i am supposed to be crazy happy, because my biggest and most stressful project showcased tonight and was a giant success. but i am, and i am not.

youre getting in the way of how im feeling, re.
when you love them madly, but they just cant see it. fuck, what is that? how does it happen. how can they be so blind.
yaar jill scott is taking me on such a mellow little mad journey because her music is chill and groovy but her lyrics are solid. its the total opposite of whatever else is happening in the music.

brazillian girl says she doesnt know if she wants to do this with me, apparently i "seem like trouble" to her. even her. bhenchod thats just great. i forgot that i needed to become a committed serious saint and then ask her to break up with the boyfriend and come with me. uff larkiyaan.

sometimes when i am walking here and there and looking around// even in my room, the structure of things randomly strikes me as so alien. it is nothing like what we have back home, the whole damn thing is so awkward and different. i feel like im in a video game. GTA new york has come out, and i want to play it even though i fucking hate that game.

oye, im going to go sleep.

cheers mangoes, the summer is almost here.

- birdie

8:38 AM

hazy shades of love

Posted by spectrum |

sleeping beauty...

to watch a woman while she sleeps, and fall into a degree of love that is only about that moment. this is truly something that i have not experienced enough. and i dont even think i want to.

i always close my eyes and turn my back to them and fall asleep too fast. but two women have really caught me, caught me deeply and stolen my sleep. there is only that one moment when you dont close your eyes and you dont turn your back and you cant fall asleep in the deepest hours of the night because they are so beautiful as they rest. there is such peace, in their quiet inhale and exhale. i have only loved two women this way. really only one (although ichat totally counts), who slept beside me for almost 3 years. i could never sleep before her, i always needed just a minute.

to look at the woman you love, when she doesnt know youre looking. and to love her so much.


comfortable detachment...

i like her voice on the phone. i like the back and forth flow of our conversations. i like how her mind is in 7 hundred places at the same time, deconstructing everything, finding answers, asking questions, giving explanations very matter of factly all the time. she is one of the few that bring a genuine smile to my face. with her craziness, her power, her insecurity, and her intensity. she is adorable. i like that she allows me to ask her to calm down. and then, i like that she calms down. i like it when i frustrate her with my confusing manipulative crazyshit. she always knows the true meaning of my words. she makes me smile a lot. really. a lot. for no fucking reason. i am comfortable when we argue, or when we laugh, or when things are very serious. i cannot not smile when i am talking to her. she is a wonderful being, and i dont want her to drift away because of what happened.


seduction and pursuit...

the world gets stoned and moves in slow motion when this woman is walking towards me. her eyes are almond glory gorgeous, her hair is dark silken sweet. her hips and her hands and her swing and her stance is so. bloody. graceful. she wears clothes that are loose but they cling, here and there. you know? they cling. she allows air, to breathe, around her. she is so gorgeous, and so unavailable to me. but she sits mockingly, just barely beyond my reach. and smiles. and winks. and blows kisses. this kind of love is destruction, it is madness.


sisters that we dont have...

the emotion, that you will tear up the world, or anyone, or anything. without question. for one person. but then the insanity, when other emotions get involved. the miscommunication, and the hatred, and the madness that comes with distance and gaps and experience and age and the inability to really see or trust. yourself, or the other.


silent wars with important women...

mothers are an incredible thing. they always know, they need no one to tell them anything. they just fucking already know. 16 or 17, living with parents in the homeland, and my first love came over a lot. my mother did many things of varying degrees in her attempts to discourage me from being gay. one of the things, rather passive aggressive, was when she would send tea up to my room. the facade of hospitality must never drop, no matter what.
two cups. one with sugar, one with salt. always.
this feeling, of being in between two women that you love madly. and not knowing how the fuck to keep the peace.
you dont want to fight with the Queen, taking the side of the Princess. and you dont want the Princess to think that the Queen hates her. so you sit there. and you switch the tea cups. calmly drinking the one with salt, every single time.


more later, when a bit sober.


6:06 PM


Posted by spectrum |

i am a true stoner because today i realized how much i like bass yaar. damn. bass is just awesome. and i always want it so loud in my mixes, everyone always tells me the bass is too loud. holy fucking shit how can the bass be too loud? its so awesome. it is fucking sexy man. it brings the sexy to the song bhenchodd. and when they cut it from the music for bit, and its all treble hi fuck all, when it comes back it is bloody genius. yes. i like bass. i like it.

for those of you who want a reference track to where this is coming from, listen to no matter what you do - benny benassi (with the bass super loud lol). ok man i need to stop this. hahahaha. where is doggieeeeee. i am all alone having esmokey time and just like freaking out about the bass for 20 minutes. hahahahaha. how can she just abandon me that bastard, on my birthday and in my midterm week. bhenchod kutta hai voh, asal main.

also if you understand hindi/urdu, we had this ridiculous idea to stop writing in english on here for a while. just for kicks. to write sentences like
...aur phir kuttey ne mujhay kaha, "bulbul tum aik number ki harami ho, meri larki say duur raho. "


i need to thread my eyebrows, because i have some large public appearances coming up. bushy frieda kajol burt from sesame street bhenchod.

yaaaar. doggie where are you.

so yeah i need to learn portugese like right now. i need to know it and be fluent like the fuck because the brazilian girl thinks i speak portugese.
I think it is officially time to introduce Meu Samba.

Basically she is this very beautiful brazilian straight girl in a super dramatic relationship with this brazilian guy. like and im not kidding about the drama. everyone in school knows this couple because they have huge fights in front of everyone, in the lobby and the hallway and she is crying her eyes out, yelling in portugese and throwing things at him. so one night i was at school working on a live audio recording project (incidently, with Purple Haze and it was so stressful).
Its fucking 4 in the morning and it sounds like someone is dying in the hallway, the noise is so much its like bleeding into my audio shit. so i go out and look, and its Meu Samba with her dude. she is in a corner on the floor with her back against the wall, crying hysterically. there is a belt, a backpack and a water bottle scattered over the hallway floor. i just go back inside.

at 6 am i wrap up my project and begin to head home. i was pretty beat and especially low, because the project was totally sucking. working with Purple Haze was awkward because we are barely keeping it civil for the sake of our grades. anyway so i go down the hallway and she is still there. her eyes closed, crying. he is gone, nowhere. as i was approaching, she opened her eyes. we dont know each other at all btw, we just had a class once and she says hi to me around school.
i wasnt going to go over there and be like shit are you okay, it will be fine bullshit etc. neither could i just say hi and walk away. so basically i was like oh fuck, why did she open her eyes. also like god i am such an emo piece of shit, i think its gorgeous when women cry.

so yeah in that beautifully sad moment of hers, i just went over there, kissed her on the cheek, and fucked off without saying anything.

two days later she walks in as i am holding open auditions for pieces that will be showcased at an upcoming event i am organizing. she tells me that my kiss saved her life that night. i tell her we should have coffee if she ever needs to talk. she gives me her number, takes mine. winks and then leaves.

so suddenly, whereas i had no intentions to pursue// or any concept of a possibility with this woman, suddenly. i am like oh fuck. congratulations girl youre on my radar ;) haha obviously her piece gets picked for the event.

Texting starts. I was with another brazilian friend of mine quite a few times when i was texting Meu Samba, so she helped me say some random things to her like hey oy bonita, linda, como vai, ta bom, beijo.. you know. the really simple shit.

The other day she walked into the office i work on campus. we rent out equipment to students. she puts her arms around my neck and fucking starts talking to me in portugese, really fucking hot man. i was freaking the fuck out but i heard her say the actual equimpent words in english. so i just acted super cool and got her the things.

so yeah man now she just talks to me in portugese. and when we are chatting online its ok cause i can translate, and i tell her that she needs to help me learn because i dont know it. but she thinks i know it. obviously because i reply to her in it off babel fish but still. i am totally terrified of meeting her on the street because she will talk to me again. in portugese. i also really want it to happen because it is so fucking sexy. shit man what do i do. oh fuck haha.

lol so yeah, i need to learn portugese right the fuck now. yo but there is no way she can think that i speak portugese! she is just being sexy and killing me. god these people are such a tease. shit. rosetta stoneeeedddd