4 am january 27th 09
so this weekend was completely insane.
of course my most horrible, dreaded sexual nightmare had to happen with the hottest woman registered in my life right now. why am i even surprised. i mean honestly what the fuck. oh god. so bette porter travels all the way from the city of sin to my city, to see me, because i am good at the sweet bloody talking. but of course like all hot women, bette porter must send mixed signals to totally fuck everything over before arriving. so she tells me that she is 'guarded'. and i am like woah ok. cool cool. nothing needs to be placed in the agenda. but apparently there was an agenda... and i fucked it up by not being ready for it. so i totally fucked up.
in the almost thick of things she said something like, 'you dont make sounds' ... hahaha i wanted to say yes i do, just not fake ones.
she asked me if i had gloves and lube. and i didnt even understand her the first 2 times i made her repeat that.
shit, i dont use gloves and lube and sex toys. i just go with a feeling (which is totally lame and unsafe i know) and try to keep it natural. but yeah if both of us have quite a few sexual partners, how to be safe? so man the hooking up part was super awkward. and she said she may have jumped the gun by coming to see me, which was really sad. besides the technicalities, it wasnt even clicking like it should have. i think when suga daddy 1 meets suga daddy 2 they obviously cannot have sex... or they have amazing most insane sex.
well aside from all this sex drama and tragedy bette is really something, and being with her was wonderful. we have a lot of things almost freakishly in common. when she disagrees with me i think it is sexy. i feel like when i am around her i am having sex with her. does that make sense? she is a bedtime cuddler, an easy socializer (i cooked dinner for her and cherry doggie ganster brothers and hamster). i love how fluid she can be in a minute, and then how firm she can be when she needs to. i love the dot on her left wrist and what it means to her, i love her revelations in rome....
i want to see and know more of her, but without urgency and all this shit.
--
sitting here just exhaling and inhaling in a few controlled deep breaths. wondering what exactly is happening, and where this is going. not to make so many l word character references, but where the hell is my carmen. i dont want to be monogamous. so is this what it is? im beginning to grow tired of splitting my heart into such small pieces and and throwing them out at whomever beauty i meet.
the cycle repeats itself pretty strongly. feel low for a minute, meet random beautiful woman tomorrow, forget whatever is bothering you by seeing her a few days, when she leaves feel low for a minute again.... so on so forth.
- birdie
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