2 am
jan 21st 09
ive never talked about the women i have actually been in a relationship with, and i didnt want to until now.
so is it just me who is still crazy about her first girlfriend, or are there others out there?
not necessarily the first, but crazy madly in love yaar. this insane never ending closure and obsession with one person who is not even close to anything that we think that they are. or at least not anymore.
this one woman who is the interpretation and symbol of everything i could ever sum to. everyone around me says to me that she is nothing, she is my own creation inside my head. i really really want to believe them, but i cannot.
the only other person i know who feels my pain is my roommate the hamster. she and i were smoking a joint last night, and came to the conclusion that everything in life we have done after our first love is just a bloody compensation.
we compensate by going into a dark corner and introducing our minds to sadness, returning from it with hyperbrains eager to express this mad emotion... and so we wrote and we painted and we played music and we became "the creative ones".
now this is our identity and we are living in it every day, living within the compensation that was induced by her - the one we cannot forget.
we call her our muse and carry on this way. and then we are broke artsy folk who no one cares about because they can see what we are made of and what we are driven by but they dont understand it.
its in the eyes... everything that you want to learn about anyone is right there in their eyes.
i am logged onto the facebook of a friend we have in common, looking at her posted writings. and dying because her words move me so much. i am looking at her recently tagged photos and smiling because her cheeks have gotten chubby. i am so far away from her, so fucking far. i dont miss or care or need this woman, i just cannot forget her. and i cannot reclaim the part of me that left when she did.
-- birdie
2 comments:
yo, now the hamster is speaking..
1st) even if you reclaimed it, it would not come back
2nd) let's stick to a positive approach: As we belong to the small circle who experienced this insane depth, we are blessed and allowed to arrange our lifes as mere and pure compensation. We are artsy and broke but we are wise. And in times of financial crisis we chuckle -mouth covered- about the ones, who lost everything on the stock market (look how they call money "everything"). the ones, who never saw the thing in someone's eye in the first place. yo, dude! we know!we know!
3rd) I need to inform you that you broke the first law which says to keep emotions out of this blog and use it solely for pure porn. Doggie, please suggest appropriate punishment!
i want to point and laugh at your italic
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