The Incredible Mangoes

30 may 09

oh fuck so declaration time. official declaration. i think something very hardcore is happening to me.

too soon, too unexpected. not ready for this shit but it just fucking happened and i had no control i swear.
i was just chilling outside the club talking to a 7 foot blonde woman smoking a cigarette and then...
this is why smoking is bad, its not the cancer.

im leaving in less than 6 hours. lovestoned, drunk, where is my sober perception i have no idea. this surrealism thing is fucking with me on so many levels.

i am higher than ive ever been over the fact that every year i find myself dealing with some insane attachment issues because things are always ending around this time and everyone is starting new things.
but this time it feels a lot heavier, and just ridiculously sad. i think this is an era ending, not a chapter.

its funny, she lives less than three minutes from my house and how did i fucking miss her all this while.. damn people and their bikes..

this feeling is really intense. i cant seem to think of a better word its just so fucking intense. i never know who im in love with where what and when, im not even sure what the word means. but i know that right now something very solid is happening to me. that is all i know for sure in this moment. maybe tomorrow it will be different. but for right now im totally solidly fucked.

since the moment that i met her randomly at that crazy straight club close to our house i am just obsessed and so is she and this is nothing that she has ever done before and both of us are like whoa wtf is going on.

ive been trying to say goodbye but i cant. i cannot take my hands or my eyes or my mind off of her. she has a dark panther like grace when she walks, but is still really relaxed. she looks incredibly comfortable in her skin, and i dont think ive ever seen such warm light brown eyes before. fuck man. when she walks its like she is flirting with the air around her. i really dont know how to describe this. there is really nothing i could say that would be an accurate description of how she appears to me.

but this is bad. really bad. when she sat next to me tonight i couldnt even breathe. i really was having trouble and that is ridiculous.
fuck fuck fuck how did this happen. i have met this ridiculously intense dark insanely beautiful graceful mad woman, and im totally fucked i dont care about anything in the world at this point nothing matters all i can think of is her. this is obviously not normal.

shit so my summer plans were moronic and driven by stupid things. how do i manage to keep doing this to myself. am i projecting. is her mystery and her charm fucking with me. is it because she is older or because she is taller and i have been wanting to feel fragile for a while. i have absolutely no answers to these important questions.

i also feel though, that if i dont leave now, right now... ill be overwhelmed beyond the degree that i can handle.. so i must leave. i fucking need to go.

fuck okay im going to take a nap to the last daylight of this place that i will see.. im still not fully packed. ive been getting more drunk and stoned than i should because every time she leaves the house a heavy heavy something falls upon my chest and i cant move. so yeah i should take my body and its reactions seriously on this one. i want to trust what my heart is telling me but this is really the extent of crazy.

city of sin im inside you by tomorrow evening. treat me well please.

- birdie