The Incredible Mangoes

3 june
she finally came clean to me. said she was having some problems and hence things happened with me but 'they didn't mean a thing to her' and she wants me to get rid of something she gave me because she 'doesn't want proof of her stupidness to exist.' she said she feels like 'she always just led me on.' she is 'sorry for wasting my time' because it was 'invalid and false.'

so.. who the fuck wants to hear that? i knew she would have some intensely hurtful reasons for asking me to get rid of the thing. but i needed to hear it. i don't know why. i'm beginning to think that birdie is right about me being self destructive. but how the fuck could i stop myself from hearing her say all that? there was no way i was going to get over her by telling myself all this. i needed her to just do it.

they didn't mean a thing to her. fuck but how???? how could i have fallen so badly for something that was invalid and false?? i don't understand. i'm so sober. what is this revenge for?

proof of her stupidness.. i was her stupidness. i was a mistake. of course i was. how the fuck could i assume that she was legitimately into me???? hahaha. what the fuck. it makes sense because sometimes i did wonder why someone as beautiful as her would even bother to show any interest in me.. she wasn't interested. she didn't give a fuck. she was going to settle for anyone.

but HOW?? how could she see me being so in love with her and ok with it? didn't it bother her? didn't she feel ANYTHING back? i guess not.

i'm so fucking moved by the conversation we just had. i don't know what to do. i can't believe she finally said it. what would be someone else's reaction to hearing that? am i overreacting? fuck i don't even care. i meant nothing to her. ever. at any point. and.. nobody has ever meant as much to me as she has. how does that work???

i'm so sober and this is more real than it should be

- doggie