The Incredible Mangoes

24th may, 09

i think i'm having a postponed official break up.

my ex girlfriend from last year just made a request. she wants me to get rid of the only thing that she ever gave me. a letter she wrote last august. she knows i like to hold on to things like letters. she told me months ago that she has to ask me for a favor. it's going to crush me and make me hate her but i'll still do it. and now when i finally get it out of her, i find out she just wants me to get rid of that letter. she wants me to do it because she doesn't feel that way about me anymore.

we haven't been together since august but i obviously have been completely unable to get over her. i was with her all the time over winter break, subconsciously telling myself that everything will go back like it used to be and fix itself. but it didn't and then i left for college again. and before coming home this time, i was sure that it's been way too long for both of us to stay like this and we'll work it out. it's day 3 and she has told me is done with this.

it sucks. i always had a sense of comfort in the fact that at least it would eventually work out with her so whatever shit happens with other people doesn't really matter. my past few days have been very fucked up. i'm in deep legal trouble because of a mistake i made and my future is completely in the air at the moment. i am so lost, stressed and uncertain. i can't sleep well or concentrate on anything. my priorities are messed up and i've never been this demotivated. i don't want to do anything. i don't even want to smoke a joint. i've had a chunk of hash lying in my closet for 3 days now and i don't want to touch it. i don't want to meet anyone or get a job or go out. i've been killing time, and i just realized that i don't know what i'm killing time for. for once, i have absolutely nothing to look forward to. i'm not waiting for anything.

and now she tells me that her and i are over for good. if i could describe my life visually right now, i'd say it's like a row of blocks falling down one after another. and it's not that i didn't have enough blocks. i build all the time, one after another. but they collapse so often.

as shitty as it sounds, i don't think i can be around her for very long knowing there is no chance. it would be self destructive to do that. yet, i don't want to tell her that i don't want to hang out with her because i am not over her. i am so sick of being that person. always having to watch them move on and expected to have moved on as well.

so dull. so dead. so exhausted. i think i am finally disillusioned by the concept of love

- doggie