may 30th 2009
it's been way too long and i'm beginning to see myself in everything. i think i'm understanding myself through what i do and what i think. it's been many many months and i have fallen for you and not been able to get over you. that, among many other things, is my problem. i can't get over. no matter what, i can't let go. i have never been able to let go of anyone i have felt anything for.
i was drawn to you from the moment i read your name almost a year ago. and after i finally met you, i couldn't stop thinking about you for months. and after i finally told you how i felt and you rejected me, i still couldn't get over you. and now that we've become great friends, i am unable to eliminate the thoughts i shouldn't be having. i don't tell you and i don't let it show but sometimes i wonder how you assume i don't feel the way i used to.
she gets what she wants. always. i have been a witness to her just pointing out someone she thinks is attractive and getting them in a matter of days without doing anything herself. i wonder if things would have been different if i had never gotten to know her. if i was just one of those people she walked past everyday. but when i was one of them, i wanted to know her and now that i do, i have become her confidant.
she wants sex. she talks about it all the time. but what i feel for her is so much more than just a physical attraction. i have fallen for the person she is. among all the people she has hooked up with ever since i have known her, i can honestly say that none of them know her, understand her or really give a fuck about her as much as i do. she is killing me, bit by bit, without knowing it, and i don't know what to do.
- doggie
lately everything has been pretty damn ugly.
there has been a subtle but very obvious, very much present, energy hovering about even before anything was said. vibes are weird. they fascinate me but sometimes i wish i was unable to receive them because a bad vibe is a vague indication. it's a bitter taste.
this is not about a girl. everything is not about girls.
i'm so fucking disconnected right now. i don't know how this happened. i have no desire to meet friends and chill. i don't care who is who. or how long i've known you. i don't remember what it was like when you were a priority.
i'm losing track of time too. it's varying so much.
what the fuck is happening? what is this deliberate hollow feeling and where did it come from?
i don't want to do anything. i'm done. fuck you i don't have a problem. fuck all of you.
i know what you're thinking. i know what you think of me. you won't say it.
man. honestly. wtf? where are you?
-doggie
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