The Incredible Mangoes

4 june 09

im drinking the whiskey that we bought. oh fuck it is burning me and i am listening to cultura profetica... suddenly i hear urdu/hindi in the middle of the damn song and i am not imagining this because i just confirmed it with doggie. the woman in the song is saying tum beghairat insaan ho (you are a human with no shame), batain banae keh siva tumhe kuch nehi aata (you dont know anything but lies and making up stories), na tumhara koi character hai na koi adikaar ( you have no character and no manners). hahaha what the fuck. how fucking solid.

i killed the mosquito that bit her everywhere last night... and there is a bit of what i assume is her blood splattered on my white ass new walls. its strange the way im thinking about her but i like it. after endless moments of varying intensity where you think - shit it wont get more intense then this, it happens again and you are so unready, so totally fucked.

im watching morning break from my window, in the city of sin sky. its raining heavy and harshly beating down not on my skylight but on something unseen since i am unfamiliar with this new architecture.

i met Bette Porter today and it was pleasant. I also met Green Eyes and it was just sad. her hands and fingertips lingered in mine for a few extra moments and i just felt horrible for what ive done. still, i feel that there is room for all of us to just drop all the drama that happened when i hooked up with her friends girlfriend... it was ambiguous and drunk mistakes should always be forgiven. like she says, time will heal. but will time mend the ways in my head?

fuck man whiskey is nasty. when she is tipsy her head gets heavy and it rests on my shoulder. i like her a lot but she is dangerous. i can see the danger already it is flashing in my face bright red saying birdie get out right now. but i know i wont. she is karma here to take from me what i took from so many. this is my ultimate analysis. so be it then. i am ready to be taken.

it took me almost three hours to get home because of fucking where im living. i blame sherbet gula who i am not even attracted to anymore. what the fuck. i need to grow out of obsession and impulsiveness.

death to this blog. it is so damn depressing lately. we need to outsource but doggie does not agree and says we should just delete it.

city of sin is new and fun but also alone and odd to be living in.

when you move to a new place, in the morning you wake up often having no fucking idea where you are and that is such a bad feeling. she was supposed to drive back at 4 am. in dreams, i saw myself walk her to a bus. but within the dream i realized she wasnt going to take no bus, because she has a car. so i woke up and she was gone. this has hit me hard, because ive never dreamt so connected to reality, when it not actually happening in real time. you know? if you hear something around you and dream it its different. but it wasnt like i was sleeping and she was leaving. she was gone when i woke up. cruel and beautiful.

who the fuck is she and why is this solidly happening to me. the worst part is that she isnt mine and probably will not give up what she has to be with me. this is the sad fucking part. so again i find myself taking what is being offered just to have something basic.

zulmi dunya, kia scene.

- birdie