The Incredible Mangoes

i am angry fucked up and i dont like it.

white walls are staring at me, drained and stripped of their warm vibrant colors.
we have been killing insects with many legs in the house that we love.

doggie left for home and so its just me and hamster for the last stretch of this race. soon it will be her alone, and then were solidly done.

i hear tape and boxes upstairs from my room. colors leaving my walls, trinkets leaving my drawers.
i am just sifting and sorting, handing her the shit without even looking up. feeling all of the fabric and all of the feelings touch my skin and slide off and pass on to their correct place.

this is tearing me apart.

i am angry but so fucking tired. i cant even vent or yell im just so damn tired.

aye maderchod log harami saaley saare keh saare.
dil walon ka kia kasoor hai.

my bipolarity, split personality and general insanity has allowed me to fuck myself over by becoming so damn fascinated by shiny stupid things. pretty painted egg shell. you hooked up with me because you thought he cheated on you and that is the end of this story. i am happy to have been of service.

and then i fucked up some more and lost the other one who was amazing inspiring genius and truly beautiful. sometimes i sit and read our conversations and im like wow man, this was something solid that moved me in a way that i havnt been in a while, and now its just fucked.

besides this i came out to a friend ive known since i was a kid and she took it well but today she asked me how much longer i intended on being 'confused' like this and why i wasnt actively trying to be with a man since i am bi as i claim. she was totally appalled by the fact that i am not confused and actually content and not even wanting to marry. what the fuck. i am so angry at people and their stupid bubbles.

i am also heart broken by mothers tears. so she came into your room and she cried for an hour and asked you to change yourself, your walk and your hair and your talk and your eyebrow piercing. she is crying for her daughter because in their heads and in their homes their daughters dont look like hers and this is so frightening to everyone and her the most because she thinks that somehow she fucked up. what the fuck. i am so fucking angry at these fucker asshole heartless people who have no idea what they are talking about or where we are coming from or how they are hurting other people so damn deeply.

i have been doing this thing where i want to love for the detail, for the smaller things, for the things i find beautiful that may or may not be what is conventionally beautiful. in doing this over a series with people and places and things i have found myself in this state of total fucked overness, where nothing is at all coming back to me and though i didnt care about this before i care about it now and i dont like how this is happening because i always felt happy in just loving.

something beautiful inside me is dying and i feel it. so i dont want to be like this anymore.


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birdie